The drive to Washington from New York takes approximately 4 hours, little over 5 if you include stops and u-turns for missed exits. With only two hours of driving experience in the US prior to the drive down to D.C. it was surprisingly smooth.
Although it is not the drive to Washington that will be remembered from this trip rather the drive out of D.C.
Before we get into our drive out of D.C. story we better get the mandatory stuff out of the way... Washington D.C. has so much to see...blah blah blah, big buildings, history of America, blah blah blah, saw all the usual touristy stuff...loved it. Done.
Washington is, as most of you know the home of the American President. This is import to be aware of as anytime President Obama does anything outside the confines of his own home, the Whitehouse, the entire city goes into lockdown.
We had decided to drive up to Niagara Falls, we got up early, checked out, jumped in the car, set the GPS to Ontario Canada and were off. However, there was one small problem, not knowing that Barrack (we’re on first names with the main man) had decided to go out for breakfast caused us a little problem. Every road our GPS lady told us to turn down was blocked off by the local boys in blue, no stress we figured we’ll take the next street and our friend would quickly ‘recalculate’ and give us new directions.
After 30minutes of ‘recalculating.....recalculating’ something finally went our way, Barrack had finished his breakkie and was heading home, the streets cleared as if Moses himself had parted the Red Sea, the streets were clear...well at least for 10 minutes until we hit ‘The Road’
SIDE NOTE: This story, like so many others varies depending on who's account it is from. As I have the laptop, you will be told my version of events as best as I can recall.
Jon's version:
“We had been told by little Miss GPS that we were to take our next left and continue on for 2 miles. Following her instructions I indicated left and turned into the street, unfortunately finding the road turns into a ‘Do Not Enter’ one way only Private Road. Hmmm problem? So being the quick thinker I am, I pulled into the closest driveway and promptly turned around. Jumping back on the main road knowing our little friend would find another way for us to exit the Capitol city. After 30 minutes of our GPS constantly telling us to turn around and take the ‘Road from Hell’ we made it to a highway out of town; No thanks to the GPS or passenger, rather the driver’s level head, quick thinking and good sense of direction in making our way North regardless of others recommendations.”
That is by all accounts an exact version of events, others ie. Sandy would tell the story along the same lines with additional bonuses, all lies.
Sandy's version:
It seems Jon has kept you all entertained with a fantastic fictional story, I apologise his memory is going a little hazy in his old age. While the basic outline of the truth was in there somewhere he seemed to have missed out several key points; more so comments/screams of desperation that occurred during this entanglement.
So not to bore you with the minor details of where we got stuck and how, just re-read Jon’s version of events and include the following cry’s of terror anywhere and everywhere along the storyline.
Please note the following where all comments made by Jon to the GPS, yes he was literally yelling at the GPS, these are all true statements and have in no way been changed for dramatic effect. It is sad to say I am marrying a man who argues with a machine that cannot respond, it is even sadder to say that he lost the argument.
Jon to the GPS – Several of these occurred more than once in the hour of panic whilst Jon tried to navigate out of DC. I apologise for all the swearing.
“NO, I’m not going down that road!”
“NO, re-fucking-calculate, I’m not going down that road!”
“Fuck-off, NO, IT’S A ONE-WAY ROAD, give me a different path”
“Were going to die in Washington”
“Fuck-off, I’m not going back that way, tell me a different way”
“Were never going to get out of here”
“I’m FREAKING OUT”
“NO, NO, NO, FUCK OFF”
It would be nice to say that Jon’s little dispute with the GPS lady ended there, but it didn’t. We had finally made it out of Washington, Jon had calmed down, although he wasn’t speaking to our GPS anymore. We were heading north, making good time, all the directions were spot on.... until.... Interstate 99 N. We had been on I99 North for over an hour, when out of the blue, GPS Lady informs us that we need to turn around. This was a problem as Route 81 N has no exits; you can’t even do a U-Turn because the lane travelling south is a separate Highway. So for the next 30miles with GPS lady yelling at Jon to turn around it was fair to say he may have freaked out a little. It is also fair to say I had to look out of the window for those miles trying as hard as I could not to break out in laughter. Funniest part of our trip by far. Sorry Jon
We did finally find a petrol station to pull into, where I raced inside bought a road map and seeked help from the 16year old petrol attendant. Her words of wisdom;
“Oh yeah that’s a new road, nobody’s GPS works out there. Niagara Falls is North of here, you need to be heading north, I aint never been there myself though”
FANTASTIC, we were doomed!
